Self reflection has not been difficult for me since I got sober and drug free over 31 years ago. It’s something that occurs in me every so often and sometimes intentionally called forth when I’m puzzled about my behavior or thoughts.
In my older age I have wondered why I’m not married, don’t have a partner or lover. Trust me, I have known a few lovers in my life but they have never really produced the kind of love I have inside me to give to someone else.
Being the love that I have been waiting for makes sense to me because I know how well I have loved and can love. But it seems I have never been able to have that kind of love reciprocated. I’m not depressed about this or feeling bad about this. However, I do find myself at times being confused about it.
I see others and their kind of intimate loving. I see betrayals, cheating, lies, jealousy, selfishness, immaturity, it’s a party kind of love, I need you to complete me kind of love, begging, selflessness, etc. And intermittently, there might be moments of peace, playfulness, honesty, compliments, joy, honor, happiness, contentment, trust, sincere love, etc. I don’t believe these situations of intermittent loving to be ideal or beneficial.
I rest in the knowledge that I have truly loved and can still love. I’m not waiting any longer for the love I bring to come back to me. Besides in the moments of true clarity and humility, I believe the glass is half full when one can love authentically out of their abundance not their lack.
© Exposed Loving, 1.16.17